The Truth Hurts

It hurts to accept the truth sometimes. At the point of  accepting it, there is the occasional wish that maybe you could go back to your state of denial.  This is the case for me.  Unfortunately, I have realized the cold hard truth that if I was to die in my dorm room it would most likely not be noticed until the smell was putrid enough to indicate my demise.  There is, of course, one  slight exception to this theory, but this does not help ease the pain.  The only exception is if my death was near a break such as Thanksgiving or Christmas where my parents would expect to be in contact to plan my ride back home.  Otherwise, my dead body is just going to be there on the floor of my room.  It sucks that I have no one that would notice in a few days that I was missing.  There is no one that has the desire to be around me regularly and thus no one would feel as though there is something amiss if I was to go missing.  To be succinct, I have no friends.  Nothing hurts more about this fact than to know that I am the only one to blame.  The fact that I am shy has no ability to ease the blame.  I knew this about myself and did not push myself to the utmost limit possible to forge important relationships with people.  Now I am all alone and frankly I deserve every second of loneliness.  It is as though I am just waiting for the clock to stop ticking, limiting myself to the role of a spectator in this game we call life.  How I will die is a mystery to me.  I do, however, know that if I do not take action soon there will not be many people missing me.  Hopefully I avoid the latter possibility.

Going Under

I have not felt alive for a long time.  All attempts to save myself seem feeble, considering their inability to spark any change in my condition.  Stasis would best describe my current condition.  I cannot develop the sense of urgency to force myself to take action and “live”.  Indubitably, I am living, but the sense in which I am truly living is debatable, and depends on one’s definition of living.  Unfortunately, I have immersed my self completely into my thoughts and retreated from reality.  However, daydreams are not real and I can still identify reality from fantasy, which is unfortunate because I would definitely prefer to live in the world of my daydreams.  This predictament is going to end some time in two possible results:  redemption or my dissappearance from my current life.  

On another note, I wish this one individual would remain out of my concious and unconcious thoughts forever.   Even in the success of ridding myself of her in my concious thoughts, she always resurfaces in my dreams, thus returning her to my concious thoughts once again.  This vicious cycle is tearing me apart.  Nostalgic feelings of happiness are slowly turning into regret and pain.

Fade Away

I relinquish my last feelings of optimism and hope.  It seems as though I am too far gone to bring myself back again.  All my failures are increasingly harder to endure and I find it harder to stop the dark thoughts from taking over, yet suprisingly I am still not depressed.  The lack of depression given my circumstances utterly baffles me.  Why am I not brought to such a state of unhappiness in the absence of any friends or love interest?  I suppose it might be due to my development during adolesence and my desire to be completely independent and reliant on no one.  In truth, I want all the same things as others, but I do not need them.  I’ve been alone while others around me were all in their different cliques and crowds.  In the end, I can be happy alone as long as I have my music to enjoy and the ability to partake in the activities I enjoy like basketball, video games, and exercise.  It is time that I give up the hopes that my prior friendships will be mended and that I will find new ones.  I must fade away from this world that I no longer relate to and return to my own world.  A world void of fake, cruel, selfish, and self-absorbed people.

sigh

I need to stop being so naive and optimistic when it comes to certain aspects of my life.  It is time to accept a more realistic approach.  All my endeavors so far have resulted in failures, though I am mostly to blame for this result.  It seems I am still struggling to accept the reality of the situation.  I am still confused that I would have this much trouble.

wow

what am i doing? My actions are illogical, which goes against my very nature. Well, I do many illogical things but not when it comes to important parts of my life, which I believe I should handle with caution and responsibility. I suppose I really needed to fulfill a certain need of mine. I need to work on improving my self control in certain areas.

¿Por qué quiero encontrar el amor?

Yo no sé.  Voy a renunciar a mi búsqueda.  ¿Dónde está la mujer de mis sueños?  Ella necesite encontrarme
porque ahora yo no busco para ella.  Yo he pierdo mucho tiempo por buscar para ella.

silly steven no girls like you

sad truth….another bad memory to add to the book….well i forgot which volume im on

AHHHH!!!!

delted  lol it was stupid to begin with

I JUST DONT KNOW

There was this girl on my floor that I liked, but I did not go as far to ask her out on a date.  I do not even think of her anymore nor do i care lol

Why did I not ask her and why is she gone from my thoughts?………………..well because life had to throw something completely random at me

A girl I have always liked but always tried hard to not really feel anything and keep the feelings i knew would just increase given her awesomeness shut up and closed away because well she is out of my league lol ……………..well something very unexpected happened……she um said some things and well popped into my life sorta
It is not as perfect as it seems…………….im happy but scared and very wary of what might happen
the situation is not al that great given some things which i will not disclose
if only it would work out….then my best friend would be ironically correct all these years lmao….and it would be good

Hmmmmm seems like some things are ocurring again lol  Most of this blog was stupid though.  I am back to myself and my cold hard logic (more like cold ass black hole where my heart should be lol).

im jus thinkin right now

I’m a stranger that no one can see

A stranger to every part of me

I’m a stranger to all that I know

A stranger, everywhere I go

Sometimes I don’t hate but I want to
Blinded by the reason I found you
It’s just a feeling I get when I’m around you
Can you relate to what I’m going through?
How much farther will I get?
Man, I feel like such a moving target
how many times will I slip before I find it?
Until then I guess I’ll just keep climbing

It’s so hard when you’re a loser
Heaven help us find our way
And it’s so hard cause I’m a loser
Heaven help me feel okay